Two years ago on Mother's Day, I remember sitting in church and realizing that my focus was shifting. I had married my best friend and the love of my life, and while the newlywed phase was delightful, I was so excited to see him in the role of a father. As for myself, when I realized I would consistently start swaying along when I saw a mother rocking her baby, it seemed like I was ready. We didn't know it yet, but I was a few weeks pregnant with Joseph!
One year ago on Mother's Day, I braced myself for a painful day of remembering our loss. Instead, throughout the day I was overwhelmed by the love our friends and family had for Joseph. So many notes and phone calls reminded me that I was a mother to a beloved little boy, and though my arms so desperately wanted to hold him, there was hope that they would hold other babies. Again, we didn't know it at the time, but I was a few weeks pregnant on Mother's Day, this time with Joseph's sister.
This year, I keep thinking about how Joseph and Mollie have fundamentally changed me. Specifically, I've realized that they affect my heart in different and complementary ways. Thinking about Joseph calms me; even in times of sadness there is a peace that brings stillness. He literally slows my heart and makes me quiet. Mollie, on the other hand, makes my heart race and skip beats. After she was born the anesthesiologist pointed out that during the surgery my heart rate had briefly skyrocketed into what would generally be a worrisome zone. When I asked what triggered it, she smiled and said "It jumped exactly when she was delivered and you heard her cry. That's a good kind of heart racing."
Mollie keeps me engaged and striving, and when I'm exhausted, Joseph helps me be still. Together, they make me a better mother. They're my anchor and my storm, and I'm so blessed.
photos of 1-week-old Mollie by Hannah